I have been living with a tremendous amount of pain in my structure for as long as I can remember. Living with, assumes a relationship. I think it would be more accurate to say that I have been warring with pain, and just like most of the wars that occur in the world nothing is really changing. In fact, the pain has only gotten worse.
I used to tell myself that there were good reasons for the pain, a fractured skull, a twice broken neck, a cracked tailbone. I sought the expertise of every expert I could find to make it go away, only to ever find momentary relief.
Lately, the pain has become so bad that I can’t escape it, not even while I sleep. The other night at 3am, I was reminded of the title of one of Pema Chodron’s book’s “The Wisdom of No escape,” and I giggled to myself as I asked, “Why is it is so much easier to teach this shit, than it is to live it?” And so that night, I began to listen deeply to my body till the wee hours of the morning. I would like to say we had a conversation, but the truth is, it was more like a monologue. It seems my body had been longing to be heard for a very long time, and in my exhaustion, I had nothing in me to fight it anymore. My body’s message went something like this:
You keep wanting to make me go away but, has it ever occurred to you how hard it is to have someone fight you all the time?
Why aren’t you willing to take a moment and get curious about why I have been with you all this time?
Is it possible that I am only getting louder because you aren’t listening? That my whisper has turned into a full body scream because it seems like the only way you will hear me?
What if I am the answer and not the problem?
What if I am showing you all the ways you have gotten in your own way, and have blocked your own energy?
Be with me. Breathe with me, and let me and let me show you how committed I am to helping you remember who you really are.
Do you see how hard it is for you to be still with me? And how desperately you want to move, and to stretch, so you don’t feel me?
You feel me in your structure because it was too hard for you to feel me in your psyche.
I am your suffering if you resist me, and I will deliver you to freedom if you surrender to me.
I am the voice in your head that has made you small. I am the lies you have told yourself. I am all that separates you from the fullness of who you are and always have been. Lean into me…create space for me to tell you, my story. I have been longing to move through you, so you can free up your energy to be the gift of creativity you were meant to be in the world.
As I lay in my bed listening, tears began to flow. I came to truly feel how much my body had held for me, for so long. It became clear to me that at a very young age, I had adopted the belief that I needed to be something more than I was to be fully loved. And that any time I felt less than, that I tightened and constricted my body as I built the armor necessary to protect my fragile ego. I was hiding in my own body, and my body had grown tired. Nobody could free me, but me.
What I came to fully understand is that my pain is my responsibility, and that the only way forward is to forgive myself completely for believing that I wasn’t enough. This belief has cut me off from a well of love that has always longed to fill me, and only I can choose to open the door and turn toward myself. Only I can lay down the armor and free my body.
“and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.” ― Nayyirah Waheed
With Love,
Jacqueline
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